Catching Santa for Dummies

         This was my recent project in English one. Thought that it's pretty amusing so I'm sharing this to all of you.

        The -ber months have already come to pass and obviously Christmas is just around the corner. Well, it's still a little less than 80 days to go but it's basically coming soon and everyone's favorite hero is the talk of town especially in the western part of the world. He's got a beard. He's got supernatural powers. He's a big person with a big heart. Nope, it's not Jesus Christ though he is a famous and very important person. It's Santa Claus.

Santa Claus' origins dates back to the 17th century where early settlers to New York tell of the legend of Sinter Klaas. In 1773 the Dutch legend's character was fully americanized by the author Washington Irving. He named it Saint Nicholas. The Christian version of Santa Claus is Bishop Nicholas of Smyrna in what is now Turkey. Though rich, he was a generous man who often gave poor children little gifts by throwing it to their windows. Since then, different songs, poems and stories shaped the Santa Claus we know and love today.

Let's face it - everyone wants to see Santa not only in the movies and on every christmas merchandise but also in the flesh. We want to play with his beard, sit on his lap and ask for a gift. But the sad part is, he's too sneaky to be caught. Well, to catch that fat, bearded ninja for yourself here is a guide that will make him saying "" instead of "Ho..ho..ho". 

1.) Bribe the local elves.
Santa's elves have their cousins here in the Philippines and they're locally known as "duwende". They are actually easily persuaded creatures and a couple of cookies here and a glass of milk there will soften their tongues and eventually they'll tell you Santa's whereabouts, when he's going to drop by your place and if you're forever doomed to stay on his naughty list. Oh, and the occasional "tabi, tabi po" when you pass by their "punso" would be of great help too.

2.) Do the maths.
Learn the concept of  the Travelling Salesman Problem (TSP) and track down Mr. Jolly's route around the world and when he'll pass by your place. Not to discourage you but the results that you're going to get are only a little more than a million different routes so it'll take you a very long time to figure out which one is the correct and shortest route. By that time, you're old enough to still be hanging socks and hoping that you'll get something better than coal. So you'll decide to ask for a mathematician's help and he'll say that you're pretty dumb because generally, mathematecians don't believe in Santa Claus anymore. Too bad for you.

3.) Be good. No, be HOLY.
Here's a theory: Santa gives gifts on a first-come first, first-served basis. That means the name of the holiest brat in the world will show up on top of his nice list, thus putting him in priority one. For you, that would mean being goody-goody all year-round - doing the dishes without being asked, doing your homework, and of course, the occasional ass-kissing massages. That would also mean a year of suffering for you but hey, it all pays in the end right?

4.) Cosplay.
Sadly for Kris Kringle (it's his Germanic name), there's no Mrs. Claus by his "less-spacey" side (get it?). I'm not sure if it's because of the extra luggage he carries on his front end or if it's the geeky dress. But definitely Santa needs to go to the gym and catch up with the trend. Knowing this, what you need to do is dress up as Mrs. Claus and post your picture on every social-networking site in the world. Sad as a gorilla, Santa must have been going around these sites to find his true love's kiss. Hopefully, he comes across your photo, get enticed by your sultry looks and oh, so naughty poses, and he'll take a detour to your house asking your parents for your hand. Luckily if you got married, you'll be tied to his wide waist, FOREVER! Then you'll have little bearded children in matching outfits. You caught Santa and he found his lifelong happiness. It's like hitting two birds with one stone. A happy ending for the both of you. 

5.)  Curiosity killed the cat - in this case Santa
A few days before Christmas, create a big red button that will trigger a trapping mechanism. Nobody can resist pressing a big red button. Not even Santa. Just in case you do not know how to build a one, you can call ACME Inc. services at 1-800-CREATE-A-TRAP. A little patience and soon enough you'll see Santa struggling to get out of the trap cursing Christmas and how you'll never receive a gift from him ever again. Warning: ACME Inc. products and services have a nasty habit of backfiring. Please refer to Wile E. Coyote for more details.  

6.) Money matters
 Did you know that Santa lives in the North Pole because there, he doesn't have to pay taxes (who would want to pay taxes?). If you have a large, and I mean a REALLY large sum of cash in your bank account waiting to be burned, you can purchase all of North Pole. Of course, you'll be the president and then you'll have your own flag. Now you can tax every creature settling in your newfound country. Yes, even Santa. So he'll come out of his hiding and you can see him in the personally. Heck, you can even get his autograph. 

7.) Get.Good.Guidance.
It never hurts to ask for other's opinions or guidance especially in this (crazy) task. Yoda is always recommended though you might want to choose someone who doesn't wield a deadly lightsaber. I suggest you ask help from Elder Futhark. Yes, I know he's not that famous but it is because he is an ancient dead language whose second life is in human form. He's just as wise, if not wiser than the Star Wars celebrity. You can find him in facebook. "Message from the dark side, there is."

8.) Ask your best friend - the internet
There's a new master of the digital world - YOU. This ad by Yahoo! literally means what it means. Google, Yahoo!, Mozilla, Opera, Safari - use anything and everything available in the net and soon enough you will find Mr. Christmas' itinerary. Just be wary of the dangerous Santa Virus developed by Mr. Claus himself. Created as a defense mechanism for pests like you, this virus not only affects everything in your computer, but it also affects you as well. Patients suffering from this virus experience cold sweat in their palms and their soles of feet, uncontrollable laughter which leads to uncontrollable farting which leads to people hating you. 

9.) It's all in the genes
If you've got a pretty mom, the celebrity-level type of mom, immediately hang mistletoe somewhere in your house. Play the song "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" throughout the night. Then pretend to sleep and soon enough you'll see Santa waiting for a smooch from your mom. Catch them while they're at it and sue Santa for adultery. That way he'll never escape and he has to pay you in some kind or another for compensation. For unfortunate people with ugly moms, this tip is definitely, truly not for you. If, in any case, you try this with an ugly mom, Santa will never come to your house ever again even though you've been a good boy/girl all year round. Or you can get yourself adopted to a good-looking woman so you can use this tip.

10.) Lastly...
And last but not the least...there is no tenth tip. Nine is a lucky number this month and according to our resources, is also Santa's favorite number. Nuff said.

This is the end of my guide to even the odds against the eternal quest for Santa. Though near the concept of impossibility, this guide is still within the do-able realm for Mr.Claus fanatics. Here are some do's and dont's before you scour for Santa:

1.)  DO NOT ever dare to try these methods on Santas standing outside department stores. For your information, they are fake. Doing so will only get you into trouble and agonizing embarrassment.
2.) DO NOT try these on any other month except December. Doing so will only get you disappointed because Santa is still on a vacation in Hawaii.
3.) DO try your best to succeed in catching Santa on your first try. Failure to catch him will result in a lifelong supply of coal and dusty socks.
4.) DO ask for parent's permission before doing any Santa snagging.

If in any case these methods seem impossible to you, I suggest that you go back to reality and accept the fact that you are perpetually embedded in Santa's naughty list.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 21, 2010 and is filed under ,,,. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response.

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